The Problem of Shoulding Myself
I had to peel myself away from Instagram after seeing a pregnant, working mom post about how productive her day was… as I sit here on day two of being in HCMC, with no plans, no expectations, and most of the city closed down for Lunar New Year, and have to remind myself that I don’t, in fact, have anything I need to do.
In fact, snacking on apple rings and roasted soy beans while writing is all that I feel called to do right now. But why did I feel guilty when I saw that post? As if I’m not doing anything, not being enough?
Recently, I’ve found myself a lot of questions related to ‘shoulding’… actually, I’ve been wondering what I should be doing on it.
Should I be more adventurous and stepping out of my comfort zone more? What does that even mean or look like?
Should I spend less time indoors? Less time outside?
Should I go to this restaurant, or that one?
Should I eat meat, or try to be vegan today?
Should I have stayed somewhere different? Should I leave sooner, or stay longer?
Should I be working on something? Should I be resting? What does rest even look like – am I doing it right?
Should I be studying something spiritual? Should I be vegging out because I have access to wifi?
Should I post this on Instagram? Should I even be on social media?
Should I be meeting people? Should I be alone?
The questions are endless. And one of the most mind-boggling realizations about the questions is that there is no way to know if there’s a right or wrong answer.
Then, amidst the inquiry, the stress and anxiety arrive, for fear of missing out (FOMO) on an opportunity. I’d like to believe it’s different than FOMO with events back home, because with working in a social + engaging atmosphere for 50+ hours a week, I enjoyed my down time for exactly what it was: well-deserved, uninterrupted me time (which often involved wine).
Now on this journey around the world, the infinite amount of online resources and unsolicited advice about what to do, where to go, who to see during this (perhaps) once-in-a-lifetime adventure, I can’t help but wonder am I’m doing it “right?”
Two things that have helped appease these spouts of anxiety are 1) coming back to my intention for this trip and then 2) making plans to support my intention.
A primary reason for going on this journey is to understand why and how I keep burning out from work. To take attentive time nourishing my mental health, pursuing my passion of travel, and discovering how I’d like to sustainably leave this world a little brighter with my presence.
As someone who feels it is my sincere purpose to help others, I’ve oftentimes gotten that mixed up as pleasing others. Therein, I regularly neglected my own vital energy and would give and give until the tank was empty. Above all, I wasn’t receiving energy back in a sustainable way.
Okay, great! Now, Meghan, you can clearly see that this trip isn’t about pleasing others – it isn’t about how it should look to someone else, nor is it about filling up your days with one activity after another just so you can share a story about XYZ at ABC place. Trust that adventures will happen naturally, or they just won’t – plain and simple!
A couple tools I’ve already picked up from friends are:
Micro-decisions
When you arrive in a place with infinite possibilities, a good way to avoid feeling overwhelmed is to honestly check in with yourself. Ask: How’s your energy level? What’s timing look like for the day? What do you really want to do in this moment? This can be as simple as asking yourself if you really want to eat breakfast in the morning. Or if you want to be somewhere loud or quiet; free, cheap or pricey?Giving myself pause and space to acknowledge my own desires helps me align clearly with myself, and not with the shoulding self.
Side note: this does not mutually exclude going with the flow, especially if you’re just making new friends, for example. But with open communication, trusting your gut and returning to your intentions, you may be surprised just how easy it is to let go of shoulds and be with the fun of what is!
Managing energy output
A friend of mine recognizes that they have a threshold for talking within one day, coupled with tools to help them be still, quiet, and replenish their energy (such as a yoga class, reading or eating alone).
The blessing of this trip is that I have recognized, at least at this stage, that I don’t want to be rapidly dashing from one location to the next. I’d prefer to move slowly, to not have to pack up my bag every couple of nights and transport to the next spot. This trip isn’t about seeing everything, everywhere – more about finding places that resonate with me and spending time soaking up their essence through food, culture, walks, etc.
Vital, replenishing components of my day have evolved to be waking up clear to dream journal, gratitude journal + intention set, meditate, and practice reiki, followed by flavorful food, a yoga practice, writing, reading, podcast listening, and going to bed sober.
These exercises are crucial to my sanity and longevity on this trip and, perhaps more importantly, beyond. When those personal inquiries and practices are put into place, I feel more at ease.
However! I still get stressed, and I’m pretty sure it comes from not having plans. Having always been a planner (I always enjoyed the process of mapping out my college courses semesters in advance, for example), I can’t deny that planning brings me joy… or rather peace of mind.
The real work, as a planner, is to not be attached to the plans made. While they provide some semblance of control, I know to expect the unexpected – and there’s magic in that! What’s the saying, make plans and God laughs? I’d like to believe if something is not supposed to go according to my plan, then there’s a hidden lesson within that, often related to flexibility and surrender.
Ultimately, even though I sometimes get stressed while planning and wanting to do a reasonable amount of research, as soon as I’ve made my plans, I feel a weight lift off my shoulders and I can go back to being in the moment.
As with life, that’s not the case for everyone – I’ve certainly met many on this trip who are way more fluid in their decision-making process, and that works for them! They’d be super overwhelmed by how I do it, but I try not to judge them for that, nor they me (well, maybe they do… so what?). Within that recognition there’s immense freedom – liberation from feeling like I should do something a certain way to please someone else, which is at the core of shoulding myself.
Plus, who knows if this is how I’ll be next month? Or in 6 months? I may have an entirely stripped down, more fluid way of balancing what is / what comes next… but in this moment, I don’t have to feel like I’m doing it wrong, so I’m going to watch a little Netflix while I have wifi in the middle of the day. I hope to eat some tasty food later, after practicing yoga and returning to my intentions of being here and now for me.
