Welcome Back
Preface (9.25.20): It’s been over a year since sharing on here. Since then, I moved to the foothills of the Himalayas at a yoga school in Northern India for a full season of teacher trainings.
Before March + COVID hit, I planned to spend my summer in Bali likely to return to India for more studies in the fall.
And if it feels relevant, I may share some writings from that period, or I may just let them rest in the vault…
But, as we all know, plans shifted and we all had to go with the new flow. For me, that meant a difficult decision to leave the Sattva bubble and reenter the 2020 version of America.
Presently, my intention Stateside is to share the yogic teachings that have offered me more peace, greater ease and increased stability amidst this unsettling, divisive backdrop.
With that said, though, I am certainly going through a process of integration, and maybe there’s something that can be gleaned based on my experience… whether that’s in you reading this, or just knowing the space is being held for my words, thoughts + experience.
We’re all in this together, one way or another.
September 20, 2020
As I find myself pivoting from a conditioned upbringing and ideas of success, I instantly find myself looking to others and playing the, “well if I had XYZ” game. Fuck—isn’t that exactly what I’m trying to break free from?
Success has all too often been intertwined with external values: money, fit/young body, trendy outfits, equally rich + attractive partner, the right address, etc.
Having connected with many successful people who appear to have it all, I’ve learned ‘success’ doesn’t always equate to happiness. That is because happiness is not located somewhere else—away from what we already have + who we already are.
As I check in with my heart, I can recognize that what I’m doing is aligned with a higher will. Showing up to do the daily sadhana (spiritual practices), to study the ancient texts, to move my body and fuel it with nourishing food, all so I can be a positive force in this often overwhelming, fast-paced world I am surrounded by.
That external world—that is the environment of my city, the people around me, the family I was born into, the current time on the Earth—is a large contributing factor to my experience of anxiety.
This morning I awoke feeling anxious, probably because of the sugar consumed last night, consumed to numb other feelings of discomfort or dread. And to be completely honest, every day recently I have engaged in at least one numbing activity. And each subsequent day I feel guilt or shame in light of that action – knowing it’s not my highest self.
But you know what’s awesome? Every day I have the practices in place to ease that anxiety, to shift it, and to move towards forgiveness.
Here’s how:
I stopped setting an alarm in the morning because I knew how much I was beating myself up for snoozing. As much as I would love to get up and start sadhana at 5am, it’s just not been happening. 7am is fine. Especially for now.
I wash my face with lovely rose-infused witch hazel
I turn on a diffuser with the essential oil suiting my current state
MOST IMPORTANT ACTION OF ALL: I sit down and begin my ritual practice of pūjā
OK, THIS IS ACTUALLY THE MOST IMPORTANT: I then meditate
+ I’ve stopped using a timer for my meditation. Why? Because it’s not a competition. It’s one way to be softer to myself and to allow myself to feel into the experience, rather than judge it.
Great! Energy shifted!
Well… hmm… actually… not for long…
As soon as I finished I watched myself pick up my phone, post on social media and judge myself again. So here I am writing about it.
The strongest emotion is devotion. It requires commitment and consistent strength. Upon anchoring myself in these practices, I can return to that higher awareness, redirect my attention + move into a devotional practice.
Examples of devotional practices:
Finding something nice to say about someone, anyone + letting them know
Turning on music that makes the spirit happy
Listening to an uplifting podcast (ie: Ram Dass Here + Now, The Yoga Girl Podcast, whatever floats your boat and doesn’t leave you feeling inadequate)
Practicing yoga, whether that’s 5 sun salutations, a kriya set, breathwork, 5 minutes of mantra, or an hour-long sweaty flow—just to anchor in something that connects body + mind
Getting outside and admiring this tiny blue dot we’re all miraculously existing on
Reading a few pages of an inspiring book or blog (like this, yes!)
Phoning a friend. That’s right, picking up the phone to call someone, rather than text. And guess what? People have been far more receptive to phone calls since we’ve been physically distanced.
Above all: remembering it’s all a practice – there’s no finish line, by embedding these activities into our awareness, we can quickly elevate our state
Okay, here’s my hope for you (read: me) – when feeling triggered, anxious, sad, or really any overwhelming emotion, rather than turn towards familiar, same, comfortable habits, correct the behavior with a devotional practice.
Don’t dig yourself into a ditch. Become free, not bound by a repetitive pattern of thinking… thus acting, thus reacting.
Also, don’t hold your past against you. Forgive yourself 5x a day to make space for self-compassion. You’ll soon get there by way of your devotional practices.
