Observing my Conscious + Unconscious Eating Behaviors at Sattva

May 15

As I write this it’s been about five days since I left Sattva in Rishikesh, India, five days since I’ve been back in Bali, six days since taking Anandji’s morning journey, and five days since eating almost exclusively Sattvic food.

Sattva is an Ayurvedic (aka the science of yoga) element associated with purity and wholesomeness. In regard to food, this entails an emphasis on eating seasonal foods, fruits, dairy products, nuts, seeds, oils, ripe vegetables, legumes, whole grains, and non-meat-based proteins. With the exception of basil and coriander, spices are generally not Sattvic, therefore my diet for the past month has been fairly regimented.

From my previous stay at Sattva in 2017, I knew we would be eating in this way, and buffet style at that. Therefore, I came equipped with 4 Lindt chocolate bars, for myself and to share.

With the exception of the chocolate bars, I felt confident that the buffet portions would tide me over and there was no need to bring in additional snacks, despite having observed my scarcity mindset while traveling.

In Bali, Nepal and Bhutan, I ensured that I had snacks on hand at all times, just in case I got hungry (read: bored and/or feeling out of control). This plan often foiled on me, however, as I caught myself more than once binging on my snacks. A good friend of mine admitted she had caught herself doing the same and therefore no longer buys snacks, instead she trusts that there will be ample opportunity to get food whenever she’s hungry.

As I recognized this behavior in myself, I decided to forgo additional snacks in India… which was great considering within the first week I had eaten three of the chocolate bars and offered the fourth to my new friends.

I also noticed the scarcity mindset crept into play during mealtimes… as well as before meals when I caught myself thinking about what we might possibly be receiving for food. In such an aware environment, it became difficult not to notice how often my thoughts were shaped around food and eating.

For whatever reason, perhaps insignificant, I would justify that seconds (and sometimes thirds) were warranted with a meal. This continued beyond the first week, for almost all three meals.

During the second week, I made an effort to refrain from over consuming. Breakfast, typically served late in the morning, was my favorite meal so I didn’t guilt myself about having a couple servings of yogurt or toast. Lunch absolutely had to be lessened as the kriya work we did afterwards often made me uncomfortably bloated. And with dinner coming so late (around 7:30/8pm), there really was no need to have more than my one portion of each desired food.

I subsequently witnessed my relationship with food evolve! Excellent work, MK. (And no, you needn’t feel guilty about that afternoon wedge of chocolate you’re buying; live your life.)

Despite this conscious shift, and despite writing the following notes down:

“AT THE BEGINNING STAGES OF TRANSCENDENTAL JOURNEY, IT’S PARAMOUNT TO BE MINDFUL OF WHAT ONE’S EATING – NOT INDUSTRIAL EATING/PROCESSED FOOD, NON-VIOLENT, AS LOCAL AS POSSIBLE, AND SUPERFOODS BECAUSE OF ENERGETIC INTENSITY OF OUR CURRENT LIVES.”

One afternoon I went to an offsite road stall to purchase potato chips and biscuits for me and some friends to share. Mmm, the salt and crunch of the Lays paired with buttery cookies tasted sinfully sweet and satiating. We ate our chips and cookies in the afternoon before heading into town for a special aarti (fire-offering) ceremony.

Upon arriving back around 8p.m. or so, we had our dinner and went to bed. With those chips and cookies by my side, I decided to indulge a little just before bed. This couldn’t have been more than 40% of my late-night stoner munching I used to do back in CA, so I thought nothing of it. (Mind you: this is now two weeks into our four-week training.)

At 4 a.m. I awoke with an incessant urge to vomit. That was the beginning of my three-day purge/cleanse. Without a doubt, as nothing else in my environment shifted drastically enough, that binge created my purge.

I wasn’t able to hold much water down, and the only meal I could stomach was breakfast, but I was adamant to continue to attend classes and be with the teachings. To do my best and to show up to my original commitment of 100% attendance.

As I had dealt with this bio-memory, energetic shifting once before and witnessed its passing in one day I presumed the same would happen again. Day two of this sickness felt marginally better, but with much of the same struggle. It wasn’t until day three that I consulted with one of the staff members and was advised to take the antibiotics I packed with me.

My resistance to the antibiotics initially was twofold: 1) I don’t want to take them if I don’t have to and 2) I knew this was an energetic sickness manifesting its way through my material body, so couldn’t I energetically heal myself here? (Answer: no, this is why Western medicine is a great compliment to Eastern healing modalities.)

It’s as if I knew, from this innate connection to my digestive system, that this was old parts of my being, former stuck energy, making its way out of me. This was left over gunk from 14, 15, 16, 17-year-old MK, releasing to make way for a wholesome Self and life.

I wish I could say after day three all clicked, and I learned my lesson, but when we had the opportunity to go into town the following week, I purchased snacks in anticipation of my upcoming flight/travels. You can imagine what happened next: I ate three nutrition bars before going to sleep one night, woke up in the middle of the night and threw up. The following day, day and a half were spent negotiating with my intestines, in which I promised I would never make them throw up for me again… not under these circumstances, at least.

Though I didn’t need antibiotics during this second go, I just felt hungover. And it felt like shit. There was no reason for me to feel this way, other than to receive the message loud and clear – this unconscious behavior is no longer a part of me and my system. It is time for me to redefine my relationship with food, to work in communion with it, to not use it as a mindless crutch, nor to fear there won’t be enough.

A few tools I’m putting in place to help build and maintain a healthy partnership with the food I eat are:

Blessing my food before I eat it (thanking it, matching my vibrational energy with its, uplifting its energy to mine, asking that it nourishes me, etc.)
Sharing my story to help with accountability, to normalize the dialogue around this (which admittedly feels so uncomfortable and scary – especially sharing with those closest to me)
Daily sadhana (spiritual practice) which includes kiryas to strengthen the navel center, helping strengthen my will power, as well as kriyas designed to transcend addictive behaviors
Meditation
Placing myself in an environment with nutrient-rich food options
Eating slowly (this is a work in progress)
Stopping when I’m full (also a work in progress)
Not having snacks around
Limiting refined sugar intake, without being neurotic (don’t want to put too much energy into food planning because that can be a slippery slope as well)

So yeah! That’s where I’m at. I hope this resonates, and if it does please feel free to reach out. I’m always happy to just listen and hold space for you wherever you may be on your journey. Similarly, I’d be happy to help you develop a personal practice around transcending addiction.

With deep, deep love + devotion,