A Journey of Falling in Love, People-Pleasing, Beaches + Insights
Currently, I’m sitting in a café in Ubud, high on the indulgent sweets and vegan dishes. My life is mostly fulfilled with finding the next meal, when I’ll be taking a yoga class, and meeting up with one friend or another along the way.
Haven’t had serious alone time in a while, since Amed really when I was able to really focus on the first blog posts… I’ve since set up my site and have to send out an announcement that it’s ready for the world to see!
So here I am: my foundation rattled in order to be reestablished.
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In many ways, I feel like I’m falling in love. There will be moments on the back of a scooter, in a car transport, on a boat, arriving at a new destination where my heart skips a beat and I catch my cheeks hurting from non-stop smiling. Many times I’m in disbelief that my life on a Tuesday is spent lounging, discussing yogic philosophy and methods, going for a dip in the ocean or a long walk around an island or city center.
There’s so much to take in all the time, yet there’s nothing that really needs to be accomplished… that is until my mind finds something to be anxious about. Something that it feels out of control from. Most recently, that’s manifested in nerves about Everest and a recent pain in my Achilles tendon.
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While I spent so much time prepping for this trip as best I could (some may say even more than necessary), I feel like I hardly thought through the undertaking that a trek up to EBC is! For example, I’ve only gone on two hikes in my new boots, so they need to be broken in ASAP = stress!
Similarly, I bought new APLs because they seemed to be the trendy new fitness shoe, and after going on one run with them I felt a massive strain in my left calf. Thinking it was a charlie horse and simply needed time to pass + the aid of a massage, the pain came firing back when I wore them on a transport day last week. Now I’m thinking there’s not enough arch support in the shoe, compounded with getting older, thus a new injury manifested.
Moreover, I didn’t bring gloves, hat, wool socks, or a thick jacket with me to Bali, so I’m hoping I’ll be able to purchase all of that in Nepal.
All of this is to say that I seem to be able to find things to stress myself out over. It’s not irrational, or even wrong, but even in a chilled out environment, I find ways to allow anxiety to sneak into my life. My solution? Research, research, research to no longer feel this anxiety and try to control what I can…
Spending this time to reflect on these behaviors as an observer is important right now because it’s going to relate to how I compartmentalize or move through anxiety in the future, when the stakes are higher than Everest Base Camp ;)
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The universe is definitely sending messages to echo my intentions of surrendering, trusting, and being open to receiving love.
Last week in Gili Air I found myself attempting to control and plan the next three-week chunk of my trip, only to be humbled by the power of mother nature.
Feeling like I couldn’t be fully present with some new friends I met poolside at a (mediocre) yoga homestay, I was sure to wake up early and catch the WiFi in order to map out upcoming accommodations and transport. Especially because I had a friend from the States coming through, I felt the need to play host in this foreign country – not putting additional pressure on myself to people please or anything, no, of course not!
Within an hour or so, I booked two more nights on the island to be closer to some new friends at Beranda Ecolodge (half the price for better accommodations than H20 Yoga), the Scoot boat direct from Gili Air to Nusa Lenbongan where I would stay at a recommended hostel (my first one ever!). While on Nusa Lenbongan I planned to learn how to ride a scooter and have some chill solo time before Elaine would meet me two days later for our two-day excursion on Nusa Penida. Scoot would also then transport us back to Sanur and include a drive to our accommodations in Ubud.
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Sweet! Now I could chill with my new European friends Julia and Dionne stress free for the rest of the Tuesday! And that I did. They helped moved me into Beranda, ate at vegan café Musa Cookery, checked on their following-day boat status, shopped a little and wandered around until dinner time.
During dinner at a vegetarian warung, in the height of rainy season, the largest tropical storm I’ve ever seen roared through Gili Air, threatening what felt like an island shut down (yeah, still much preferable to the government shutdown happening back home).
It was at a neighboring warung that we connected with owner Auntie who told us about the 8.0 magnitude earthquake that dismantled Lombok and Gili Air back in August. She told us how when it hit in the evening, unable to think clearly, she scooped up her larger child and shoved the small one out of the house. The aftershocks continued through the rest of the day, and many left the island out of fear for a tsunami. Nothing of this scale had happened in her lifetime, and the kids now experience PTSD from the terrifying night.
Despite a storm raging through our dinner, the locals seemed to be at peace, accepting that this what-felt-extreme weather was nothing out of the norm. While the sea would be crashing into shops, restaurants and some hotels, it wasn’t anything they couldn’t rebuild form in the morning or next couple days.
I bid adieu to Julia and Dionne after dinner, with promises to let them know if/when I’m in Finland or the U.K., dashed back to Beranda to dive into bed, actively avoiding a small leak in my roof.
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In the calm of the morning, I ran into Barcelona-based Hubert + Manuel, whom I had met at the yoga studio two days prior. Hubert and I discussed me leading a class and before I knew it, I was teaching them and a sweet Swede an impromptu vinyasa class! After a quick dip in the pool, we biked around Gili Air, with Hubert as our tour guide, taking us snorkeling. Upon noticing lots of plastic in the water and on the land, he grabbed some bags for us to all pick up trash for 20 or so minutes.
Later that evening, when the WiFi finally reconnected, I found out Julia and Dionne both had harrowing fast boat rides back to Bali, and my Thursday boat was canceled.
In the spirit of going with the flow, my new friends cracked open a beer, suggested we mosey over to an open-air movie theater, enjoy a tropical, rum drink and let the stress of planning go. I can dig it! While it had been about a week since my last drink, it felt appropriate to indulge in the moment with this batch of new friends.
Definitely ready to leave the island (had been there for 4 nights) but unable to do so, I took it as a day to work on my website + blog (thanks universe!), as well as cancel my plans and reorganize my boat transport.
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As instructed to do so, Friday morning I arrived at the Scoot offices at 07:00, for a little boat to take me 40 minutes across a very rocky ride to Lombok. Took a 2 hour shuttle down to where the ferry departed from. Got on the Ferry at 10:00 expecting it to be a 4 hour ride… didn’t get off the, also rocky, ferry until 18:00, followed by another 1.5 hour shuttle to Sanur.
Despite not having hot water at Tjana Homestay in Sanur (this is typical of most places, but not really a problem considering Balinese showers are somewhat outdoors and exposed to the tropical humidity), I quickly hopped into the shower rinsing away the 12 hours of travel.
I never knew how happy a shower would make me until that moment. Given my skin’s regular exposure to bug spray, sunscreen, dirty clothes, sandals, etc., the ability to wash myself and have a spot with air con felt like immense luxury! Didn’t matter what was, all that mattered was right then, in that moment I felt happy!
Following the advice of a Dutch man I sat next to on the ferry, I walked about 13 minutes to the night markets of Sanur for a local street-food dinner.
This might not sound like much, but I felt really proud of myself for going to the night market. Up to that point, I typically would have just stayed in my room all night, with the exception of finding the closest convenience store only to purchase a canister of Pringles and a large beer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, and that may happen in the future, but the fact that I arrived somewhere new after a long day of travel, and still chose to navigate across some dodgy intersections only to try experimental foods, with no alcohol to compliment – that’s some growth right there.
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The next morning, Elaine and I decided to forgo the adventures of Nusa Penida (we were both tired and wanting to simply chill by a beach), and instead booked a place in South Kuta – the Seaview Bungalows in Balangan Beach, the same remote beach I fell in love with in July 2015.
Moral of all of this: by surrendering my desire to plan and control and people please, I was able to just be with what was, not with agitation but with more acceptance. It was an exercise in trusting that everything would work out in the end, and it most certainly did! We ended up staying in the most luxe spot I’ve been to since I started traveling (with hot water!) and saving money in the end.
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Traveling to Balangan with Elaine was wonderful! As a newer friend, it was nice to chat yoga, life, relationships, politics, and miscellaneous SoCal ramblings as we got to know each other on a deeper level.
It wasn’t until arriving in Ubud that I felt like I was riding a slightly different wavelength. As she’s only in Bali for one week, she was more keen on making plans and doing activities, whereas I realized I wasn’t in a space to comfortably do so. My intention of being in Ubud was different than hers, though I wasn’t really aware of that until we got here.
Personally, I was looking to get a feel on how my life would unfold in a place like Ubud vs. Canggu for a month (or at least a few weeks). Upon reflecting, I feel bad that I didn’t set clearer expectations about it, but now I know for future planning and since apologized for my miscommunication.
From this, it’s apparent that I’m getting quite used to traveling solo. Meeting up with people as they come and go. Not attaching to too many plans, if any at all. I so appreciate Elaine’s flexibility with my own spontaneous flow, and I’m filing this awareness away for when/if I have other friends meet up with me on the road.
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As an empath, I aim to ensure that others have a good time when they’re interacting/engaging with me… a blessing and a curse, though, because I find that I may compromise my own happiness which leads to resentment, bitterness, and even anger. Angry at not having things my way (here’s the control freak component bubbling up again!), which is straight up righteousness. I think that I’m right, and the other party is wrong for being how they just are.
Takeaway/epiphany: the source of my frustration and/or anger can stem directly from my empathetic / people-pleasing tendencies.
When prompted with a solid inquiry: “Why? … Why? … Why?” I realized I people please out of a fear of abandonment. If I were to do only what I want to do, then I may not have anyone on my side – I could alienate people! It sounds simple when written out, but it’s a deep fear, and I’m grateful to recognize that.
On the same accord of fear, I’m definitely afraid of surrendering my control because I lack trust in the abundance of the universe. For example, if I don’t do everything I can to prepare for EBC, then I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to base camp!
In deeper reflection, I don’t think I’m fully ready to surrender – afraid of the challenges that could come and be out of my control. But when I feel called to do so, I trust that I’ll put it out to the universe to provide.
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Thanks for following along with my miscellaneous mutterings, reflections, awarenesses for myself at this stage of my trip (nearly three weeks in). More evolution to come!
xx mk
