I have no idea what I’m doing. (A journey to feeling whole.)
While I have been on this journey of Self-realization—that is meeting, inviting in and embracing the soul stuff (beyond the I, Me, Mine ego identifications)—for a little bit of time, I still struggle.
Even though I meditate daily, often times twice daily… even though I’ve spent time in + continue to return to spiritual reservoirs of wisdom and grace… even though I offer spiritual counsel… I still often feel like I have no idea what I’m doing.
Yes, I can see progress made in my life over time. But I still brush up against edges, constantly.
Right now, the most tiresome edge is an obsession with doing to prove my worth.
This has and continues to show up (most often in work, but honestly all aspects of my life feel this at times) as me overextending myself, undervaluing my services, and not speaking my truth out of fear of not being liked.
And as a result, I’ll find myself at the end of the meeting, at the end of the day, or at the end of a trip wanting to engage in numbing behaviors such as binging food and/or TV, smoking weed, and/or neglecting my practice.
I know I’m not alone in this, which is why I share.
People pleasing as manipulation? Eek…
The especially shitty thing to realize about some of these people pleasing tendencies is that it’s all, at its core, a manipulation.
It’s not me being authentically myself. Instead, it’s me positioning myself in a way that will manipulate people to think I’ve got it all together and am capable of doing XYZ for them.
Frankly, I’m ready to be done with this.
This isn’t to say I’m not a nice person, lol. I do truly believe in the warmth + compassion of my heart’s capacity. I do want to be of service and use my skills in a beneficial way for the most amount of people.
Now, I’m learning the value of mutual exchange.
When I don’t honor mutual exchange—that is a mutually beneficial exchange of energy flowing between myself and the other—I’m dishonoring the laws of nature.
To add to this, I see my relationship with money as an additional stressor. While I was brought up with more than enough to live comfortably, I witnessed how, directly + indirectly, money was associated with my worth or value.
Honestly, my dad was most familiar in showing his love through money. My mom, often frugal and culturally pragmatic, would rather hit $X number in her accounts before retiring from a depleting job.
So, I often experience a fear of not having enough or a fear of not doing enough for me to actually feel like I am enough.
How can I feel like enough?
Okay, cool, so now I can see these core struggles through self-inquiry, meditations, practices, wisdom, Vedic astrology, and beyond. Now what?
Well, for one, through my recent study and training in Yoga Nidra (with Hilary Jackendoff—do yourself a favor take her 100-hour teacher training, it’ll change your life for the best) I am learning + integrating two key things:
Rest—a key embodiment practice of doing less + letting go of the industrialized conditioning many of us have grown up in.
Sankalpa—an intention used for an entire season or the duration of your life—is the gateway to my potential.
Every single morning, I return to the intention of, “I am enough” either in a Nidra practice or at the end of my Himalayan Meditation practice.
Rest + an ongoing, daily intention are proving paramount.
Because this sankalpa remains consistent over time, it’s more accessible and easier to return to throughout my day. It shows up as a softening of my shoulders, jaw, belly. It’s a relaxing into deeper breaths.
It’s spacious.
The way that rest now shows up in this moment is taking a (pre burnout!) break. I’m actually on a holiday writing this, nestled in the snowcapped peaks of the North Indian High Himalayas.
Again, it’s feeling spacious. And that’s what I want to bring home.
It’ll probably mean taking on fewer Soleil clients and at a higher price point (given my years of skill, knowledge, intuition, and sincerely caring demeanor). This is uncomfortable and scary because it could mean forgoing opportunities (read: maybe earning less?) in order to be more.
But at the end of the day, I don’t want to stressfully grind my teeth into oblivion (a harsh realization I came to at the dentist last week).
Money comes, money goes—it’s the feeling I live with that determines how abundant I feel, not a number in the bank account.
I imagine I’m still ways away from consistently feeling that true ease.
I still question so much. But I suppose I share this as a public declaration of my humanness and my journey.
Moreover, this all makes so much sense with where I’m at in my lifespan given the perspective + insights of my natal Vedic chart!
I’ve recently entered into a season of Saturn—anything that’s based in selfishness (ie: manipulation) or a hyperactive ego will be cut out.
And this will be eradicated either through my own decisive action or through nature’s external circumstances. 😅 I don’t know about you, but I personally would like to invite in growth on my own, rather than it being forced upon me.
Keeping a broad bandwidth of understanding this slice of now through Jyotish’s wisdom has been instrumental for my sanity.
Here's to learning to do less so I can feel unlimited.
Calling in a sense of space in both directions: space in doing less, and space in the freedom to do more.
Does any of this resonate with you? I’d love to hear—feel free to let me know!
